What is being "strong"?

It's been a while, but I'm here.

Since my last post, so much has happened. 2 years ago, I finally got the strength to tell my husband of 14 years that I wanted out. I wasn't going to take no for an answer this time. For the sake of my own mental health and the sake of our kids, I had to get out of our marriage. The only time we "talked" was when we were fighting, which was almost a constant occurrence by then. I didn't want our children to grow up in that kind of environment like I did. He tried to act like he loved me and that he'd change, but I knew better that nothing would ever change, or at least not long term.

I filed for divorce, but being a single mom to 4 kids and working a full time job and having no help with the kids, I haven't had the chance to get to the courthouse to turn in the next batch of paperwork. So we've been separated for over 2 years now.

The agreement was we would always be there for the kids and they always would come first. So far, I've been the only one to hold up their side of the agreement.

The kids father has chosen his new girlfriend over his children and decided to leave the state to be with her. Who knows if he'll keep up with his "promise" to keep seeing the kids on his weekends.

Being a single parent is hard as heck. Putting your needs and happiness aside to make sure your kids have everything they need is hard. Not having help in any form is hard. Sacrificing everything for your kids is called being a parent. Some people don't get that. Obviously, my kids father isn't really made for being a parent. He wants the title of "dad" and "father", but none of the responsibility. This isn't just recently, it's been this way for nearly 10 years. He had the easy part. Being the fun parent. Meanwhile, I'm struggling to keep my head above water to keep everything under control and not being in chaos.

Strong. People tell me I'm strong for leaving a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship. I've been told I'm strong for handling things on my own with no help. Some people think I'm weak for "running away" from my marriage and giving up. I've been told by people that I'm a "homewrecker" to my own home because my kids are now in a broken family. I guess living in a marriage where I always felt undesired, unloved, ignored, and treated like a I was a moron is better than a broken home.

I don't think I'm strong. I struggle every day to keep going. To keep going for the sake of my children, as I am all that they have. Their father has told me nothing but lies in the whole 18 years that we've been in each others lives. So many broken promises. I've now learned that I can trust no one. Even family can turn their backs on you in a time of need.

I'm not strong. I'm human. I could never abandon my children. It's hard, but I push through day after day, doing it all on my own.

Playing Catch Up

I'm totally slacking in keeping current on my mommy blog. Here's a quick recap since my last post.

In December 2015 we welcomed our fourth child, another boy, on Christmas Eve. My labor came on fast that morning and within 3 hours of checking into the L&D department, our little miracle baby came into this world. I had finally gotten the labor I had always wanted. Non-induced and no pain meds. I went into labor early Christmas Eve morning, woke my husband up, took a shower, then got all the kids awake and shoes on so we could rush to the hospital. I texted my mom to let her know I was pretty sure it was baby time. It took what seemed like a lifetime before the front office finished my paperwork and sent me to the triage area to be checked. It was 6:30 am when we were sent back and around 7:30 the nurse finally put me in a bed to check me. I was in active labor and already 5 cm dilated. They quickly moved me to a delivery room. The midwife asked a few questions, started an IV line, just in case I needed anything, and calmly breezed through my quick contractions. Hubby took the 3 older kids to the cafeteria to have breakfast while they took my blood work and called in for the epidural. I didn't really need it, I just wanted a break from the back to back contractions. As soon as they left the room and before I could get my epidural, my water broke and I quickly called my midwife back in. Within moments I had our baby boy.

Our fourth and final baby is almost 20 months old now. Time has flown by and he's getting bigger every day. He is so smart too. He's a little chatter box and understands almost everything that is said to him. He is such a handful, but I love him dearly.

Our new home

In November of 2013 we finally closed on our new home. We closed later than expected because of delays with inspections needed that were overlooked. We had a few family members help unload our storage unit and get all our stuff from my in-laws house. We got to our house and started unloading. It was so refreshing to finally have a place to call our own, after years of renting.

When we got the essentials unpacked, we knew we had to get furniture because when we moved back home from Colorado, we had to get rid of almost all of our furniture because Jason rented a truck that was way too small to hold all of our belongings. We had to go out and go furniture shopping and it was so hard finding something we liked in our price range.

We finally settled on a living room set at Ashley Furniture and a dining set at Jeromes. Jason picked up the dining set on his way home from work when it was ready. We had the living room set delivered. When the delivery guy got here, he couldn't get the couch in the house. We have a wall right at the front entrance and they couldn't get around it. I kept suggesting they move it a certain way to try and get it through. They kept saying it wouldn't work. However after probably 15 minutes of trying it their way, they finally tried my way and it came in with no issues.

We spent the next week settling in and getting ready for Thanksgiving. Yes, although I was nearly 7 months pregnant, I still wanted to make and have Thanksgiving in our new home. It was a hit. My brother and sister came, along with my in-laws. I made everything by scratch and even tried new recipes to make it healthier.

Next was our first Christmas. We got a tree and decorated it and had a nice quiet day. We then spent the rest of the day visiting our families to exchange gifts. 

We were so happy to finally have our own place where we could raise our children.

A Ray of Sunshine

Many people don't know that I've struggled a lot through my life. From my parents getting a divorce, being bullied in school, dropping out of college, going nowhere at work, dealing with infertility, a pregnancy loss, and much much more.

It seems like no matter how much faith I had, it didn't make any difference in the outcomes. Except for the infertility diagnosis. I wasn't going to take no for an answer. And I've proven those doctors wrong with my two beautiful children and another on the way.

I consider myself very giving and an honest person. Most people think that I'm being mean or rude because I tell it like it is. I don't like to beat around the bush and play games when it comes stuff people want an honest opinion on something.

I've always bent over backwards for people and always get nothing in return. Instead some just whine that they never get their way or no one cares enough about them.

The same goes for work. I bust my butt, day in and day out trying to prove myself in hopes for a better opportunity to be given in return. I'm still stuck in the same position I was almost 15 years later in this company.

The other day I was asked if I'd be intersted in a position change. It wouldn't be until next year though. I'm not holding my breath until I see something on writing, as I've been through this several times and nothing came out of it or someone got in the way.

In my original posting, I mentioned moving to Colorado for work back in 2002. Well, at the end of August of 2012, we moved back to California.

I was lucky enough to take my job with me and work from our sales office. However, Jason wasn't so lucky. He was told in an earlier conversation with his boss that he wouldn't be able to work remotely. When the time came, knowing what he was already told, he was given the only choice to resign from the company as we were moving out of state.

Of course they freaked out and made a temporary agreement for him to continue to work until the end of the year, but after that his resignation would be honored. 

Before the year ended, he asked if he could apply for a position in another department. His boss at the time didn't see anything wrong with it. He then approached the manager of the other department that had available positions. They were more than thrilled to bring him over. However, a higher up person shut down the transfer for whatever reason. So when the end of the year came, he packed up his stuff and that was the end of a 20 year relationship with the company.

From the time we moved back, to now, we've lived with my in-laws. It's been a bit awkward, as we literally have no space to call our own. All our stuff is in storage. It has been a rough year in this situation. I know now it's been harder on me personally because of all the extra hormones.

Now for some good stuff. Even though Jason technically quit, he did qualify for unemployment since the reason was because of an out of state move. YAY! 

We applied for a loan to buy a house with just me since Jason wasn't working. Shockingly it was approved. We quickly found a place we both loved and made an offer. The next day our offer was accepted.

The whole process has been pretty easy for the most part. However, last Friday we found out we wouldn't close on schedule as we had planned. We may be delayed as much as 2 weeks. This is such a bummer and I cried after I got off the phone with the realtor.

About 2 weeks ago a company got in contact with Jason for a potential position after seeing his resume that we sent a few month back. Last Wednesday he had a "meeting" to just talk about the possible position. Well today, the guy he's been talking with, calls him and made him an offer!

This has been a huge blessing for us. Although he's loved being a stay-at-home dad for the past 10 months, he's definitely ready to get back out there. Plus, the extra income doesn't hurt either.

Now we just need to get the word that all things are settled with our new house and can close soon.

It seems like after having all this bad stuff happen to us, that finally things are going in favor of us. New house, new job, two beautiful children and another on the way. 

Now if only we could hit the Powerball jackpot and life would be that much better. (One can only hope 😜)

Our Baby Making Journey

I had known I wanted to have kids at an early age, so we wanted to start right away. I had come off birth control October 2002 to hope to get it out of my system before we started trying after we got married. By January, I still hadn't got my period after coming off the pill. I went to the doctor because I knew something had to be wrong. My cycles before birth control were all over the place, but never missed 3 cycles in a row before.

Lots of blood work and ultra sounds later, I was diagnosed with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). At the time, I had no idea what that meant, other than my doctor told me I was infertile and couldn't have children because of this.  I was crushed. He referred me to a “specialist” and got the same diagnosis, but this doctor said “You can get pregnant, but you’re likely to not carry to term”. Again, this is not what I wanted to hear. That doctor retired so I went back to my old doctor and he referred me to a different specialist.  Again, more blood work and ultrasounds. Same diagnosis, but he said “There’s no reason why you can’t get pregnant, you will just have to be patient”. This doctor though, we worked out a game plan of what we were willing to go through to get pregnant.  Months and years went by of different doses of fertility medications, medication to control the PCOS symptoms with no luck. It took a toll on our marriage as I felt like a failure. But Jason stood by my side and stayed strong for the both of us.

I remember thinking “Why would God do this to me? I’m defective.” There was nothing more to life that I wanted than being a mommy. It was so hard to avoid the millions of inquiries from friends and family members asking when we would start having babies. It wasn't until one of Jason’s aunts that approached me and asked me if we were having a hard time. I opened up a little, but being me, I don’t let anyone in on my personal life (until now).

In 2008 we took a trip to Florida for my nephew’s 5^th birthday. I figured I could use a mental break from all the medication, doctors’ visits. Well, finally when we got back from our trip, we started trying again and we finally got pregnant.

We were over the moon excited that it finally happened. We wasted no time to tell our friends and family.  However, at 5 weeks, I started spotting. I freaked out and spent 5 hours in ER waiting to see what was going on. They did blood work on me and an ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy. I went to my doctors, did more blood work to make sure my numbers were rising and again to confirm the pregnancy. My doctor wanted to wait a few weeks to make sure our dating was accurate. At 9 weeks, we had our follow up ultrasound and there was still no change to the embryo/fetus. My doctor confirmed it was a missed miscarriage.

Looking back I really wished that Jason had gone with me to that appointment because although I held it together at the doctor’s office, I completely broke down when I got to the car. I cried the whole drive home. I was a mess when I got home and told Jason the horrible news and that since my body wasn't letting go of the pregnancy, I had to have a D&C to remove it.

I had the D&C done on September 11^th (2 days before my 28^th birthday). During my follow up appointment a few days later, my doctor said, that we could try again when I was mentally ready.

Honestly, I didn't know if I wanted to chance losing another pregnancy. I was in a dark place for what seemed like an eternity. I literally stayed in my bed curled up in the dark and cried. I had my mom tell everyone that we lost the pregnancy and I just wanted to be left alone. I barely would even talk to Jason. I shut everyone out and again, asked why God would do this to me? They say God challenges the ones he knows can handle it, but I didn't think I could get over something like this. After 6 years of trying to get pregnant, only for it to fail was just too much for me. However, with Jason supporting me as much as I’d let him, we agreed we would try again. Luckily we got pregnant a few months later after taking a mental break and bad timing the first cycle I had after my surgery.

We found out we were pregnant in January 2009. Although I tested early, had I not, I would have known for how sick I was. I couldn't keep anything down, not even water. I made an appointment with my regular doctor thinking maybe I had the flu. Nope! They confirmed I was indeed pregnant and a very bad case of morning sickness (or also known as Hyeremesis Gravidarum). My doctor monitored me closely, since having a previous loss, he wanted to make sure everything was progressing.

We welcomed our son Ryder Jacob Pestel on September 23, 2009. We were induced because my doctor knew what we had gone through to get pregnant and for it to stick, that he didn't want me waiting any longer than the 40 weeks.

We fell instantly in love with our baby boy. I didn't think I could love someone as much as I did with Ryder. I even fell deeper in love with Jason and it brought us closer than ever. For the next few months we were finding out how to be parents and experiencing all the new things babies do.

I think when Ryder was about 9 months old, the baby fever kicked in again and wanted to try again for another. After all, my sister and I were close in age and I wanted our kids to be no more than 2 years apart. We tried on our own with no medications, aside from the one to control my PCOS symptoms when Ryder turned 1. After a year of no success, we went back to my doctor and we went back on fertility medications.

The second round of clomid, did the trick. We were pregnant again! We found out April 2011 we were going to have another baby.

This pregnancy was completely opposite of my pregnancy with Ryder. The only morning sickness I had was nausea. I had headaches all the time and my face was broke out. With Ryder I didn't have a single headache and my face was practically flawless that I actually stopped wearing foundation. I had an inkling that we may be expecting a girl this time around, but assumed it was another boy. We had only a boy name picked out when we went to the anatomy scan appointment.

When the tech asked us if we wanted to know what we were having, we said “Of course!” She then said, “It’s a Girl!” I looked at Jason and was like HOLY SMOKES!! I made the tech look again and confirm it was indeed a girl and not really a boy.

On December 30, 2011 we welcomed Brooklyn Nicole Pestel. Again, I was induced because our insurance was going to be changing at the first of the year, and at pre-registration, we only had our current insurance company information to provide. However, the day of my induction, I was already 4cm dilated when I got checked in (so she would have come that day regardless). If I thought it wasn't possible, I fell more in love with Jason again. I couldn't believe we had 2 kids now. I had my precious little boy Ryder and now my little baby love Brooklyn.

It was a bit challenging going from 1 kid to now 2, but I managed. Jason returned back to work after taking a week off, so I was at home with both kids for 8 weeks.

Around the time Brooklyn was 4 months old, I got baby fever bad! It seemed like everyone around me was having babies. Even though I had just had a baby, I wanted to try again. Although my postpartum cycles hadn't returned yet due to breastfeeding, we still tried and hoped it would just happen. Around the time Brooklyn was about 8 months old, it finally returned, so we knew we had a better chance. I really wanted to get pregnant without medical assistance. I didn't start tracking my cycles until December 2012. I started temping in January 2013 and after 2 cycles, we got pregnant all on our own! I was completely shocked and in denial that I was actually pregnant and didn't need clomid to get me to ovulate. I actually didn't find out we were pregnant until May 5^th 2013.

I am currently 26 weeks pregnant with #3. This pregnancy has been very similar to my pregnancy with Brooklyn, with some added symptoms I've never had before during a pregnancy. We are Team Green this time around. We are currently due January 13, 2014; however, I have the weirdest feeling this little one will want to come earlier than expected.

Introduction

Welcome to my Mommy Blog.

To start, I'd like to introduce myself, for those who are just acquaintances or friends and not my actual relatives.

My name is Sabrina and I recently celebrated my 33rd birthday.  I've been married to my best friend, the love of my life Jason for almost 11 years now. I was born in Upland, CA and raised briefly, by my parents Desiree and Paul Pestel. Their relationship was to say the least, rocky. My mom left when I was probably 4 years old if my memory serves me correctly. It was in her best interest to leave, but when kids are involved, it's always a hard decision to leave.

Although it was nearly 30 years ago, I still remember a lot of what happened. I won't let you relive that, but I'll share the other stuff.

It was probably either late 1985 or very early 1986 when we got new neighbors. They had a little boy about my age (Vernon) and another one (Albert) that was about my sisters’ age (about 2 years younger than I). We immediately became the best of friends.  I think they were the best thing that happened to me during the years while dealing with my parents’ divorce. I didn't want to deal with the fighting of my parents of who got which kid, so I asked to live with my aunt and uncle, who actually lived across the street from my dad and right next door to my 2 new best friends.

I believe the divorce was finally final around 1989. At that time my mom took me from my aunt & uncle's care and made me live with her and her boyfriend, his kids and my little sister. That only lasted about 1/2 of my 4th grade school year and the first half of the school year in the 5th grade.  In the 5th grade, I actually met a new friend (Michelle), but it wouldn't be until the 6th grade that we would become best friends. After that, I moved back with my aunt and uncle. However, again after I finished the 5th grade, I went back with my mom again. I managed to stay put from the 6th grade to the 9th grade, but still, my mom got divorced and I went back to my aunt's again and finished the rest of high school there.

In September of 1998, we lost my grandfather. It was the hardest thing for me to deal with at the time.

I started college the following January, something my grandfather had looked forward to. I didn't last long though. Working full time and going to school full time was harder than I had expected and it reflected in my grades. I had figured I’d drop out and return when things weren't so crazy and I could actually focus more on school than work.  (Nearly 14 years later, that still hasn't happened)

Fast forward to when I officially met my sweet husband. It was June of 2001 and I had just gotten out of a bad relationship.  I was talking/gossiping with my friend Marlene at work and made a comment to her that there was this hot guy that I was interested in, but I didn't know what his name was.  I pointed him out to her and she squealed with excitement. She was like “You don’t know who that is?! That’s Josh’s brother Jason. I’m going to call him and tell him that you’re interested in his brother.” I already knew Josh from when I was a summer student at work; I just didn't know he had an older brother. They set up a plan to have me show up at Josh’s son’s 2^nd birthday party in July, where Jason would be. 

We started talking when he go there and continued to talk for several hours and after everyone else had left. I felt an immediate connection to him and although I didn’t want to get hurt again, I opened up to him. I gave him my cell & my house number, hoping that he’d actually call. He did call the next day and we talked for hours. I was already falling for this guy and I barely knew him. That Monday, he didn't show up to work. I was really bummed that I wouldn't get to see him, but he called my work desk. He answered “Is this the girl that I have a really big crush on?” I felt my face turn bright red. He officially asked me out that Wednesday and had our first date on Saturday. We did movies and dinner. It took him almost the entire movie to get the courage to hold my hand.

For my 21^st birthday, he took me to Las Vegas to celebrate. I had already planned on going, but he didn't want me to go alone. We stayed at the Luxor hotel. It was beyond gorgeous and we had so much fun. In December, we got bad news at our work. We had found out that they were closing the office and moving to Colorado. I was offered a relocation package, but he wasn't  We had talked about where our relationship was going and if we wanted to take the plunge and move together to another state.  On Valentine’s Day, he took me out to dinner and asked me to marry him. I was beyond happy and obviously said yes. It made the moving in together plan better to handle knowing we would eventually be married (and not living in sin).

In May of 2002, the two of us moved to Colorado. It was a huge step for us. Neither of us had been on our own, yet alone on our own in a new state.

We spent the next few months planning our wedding. I really wanted to be married in a church, but the church we looked at in California wanted us to take classes and we couldn't exactly do them while living in a different state. We decided that since we both loved Disneyland, that we would see about having our wedding at one of the hotels. We decided on a date and venue and it was all good.

We got married December 7, 2002 at the Paradise Pier Hotel, in Anaheim, CA.  It was winter theme and of course Disney inspired. Everything was perfect. We spent our honeymoon in Cancun, Mexico.