What is being "strong"?

It's been a while, but I'm here.

Since my last post, so much has happened. 2 years ago, I finally got the strength to tell my husband of 14 years that I wanted out. I wasn't going to take no for an answer this time. For the sake of my own mental health and the sake of our kids, I had to get out of our marriage. The only time we "talked" was when we were fighting, which was almost a constant occurrence by then. I didn't want our children to grow up in that kind of environment like I did. He tried to act like he loved me and that he'd change, but I knew better that nothing would ever change, or at least not long term.

I filed for divorce, but being a single mom to 4 kids and working a full time job and having no help with the kids, I haven't had the chance to get to the courthouse to turn in the next batch of paperwork. So we've been separated for over 2 years now.

The agreement was we would always be there for the kids and they always would come first. So far, I've been the only one to hold up their side of the agreement.

The kids father has chosen his new girlfriend over his children and decided to leave the state to be with her. Who knows if he'll keep up with his "promise" to keep seeing the kids on his weekends.

Being a single parent is hard as heck. Putting your needs and happiness aside to make sure your kids have everything they need is hard. Not having help in any form is hard. Sacrificing everything for your kids is called being a parent. Some people don't get that. Obviously, my kids father isn't really made for being a parent. He wants the title of "dad" and "father", but none of the responsibility. This isn't just recently, it's been this way for nearly 10 years. He had the easy part. Being the fun parent. Meanwhile, I'm struggling to keep my head above water to keep everything under control and not being in chaos.

Strong. People tell me I'm strong for leaving a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship. I've been told I'm strong for handling things on my own with no help. Some people think I'm weak for "running away" from my marriage and giving up. I've been told by people that I'm a "homewrecker" to my own home because my kids are now in a broken family. I guess living in a marriage where I always felt undesired, unloved, ignored, and treated like a I was a moron is better than a broken home.

I don't think I'm strong. I struggle every day to keep going. To keep going for the sake of my children, as I am all that they have. Their father has told me nothing but lies in the whole 18 years that we've been in each others lives. So many broken promises. I've now learned that I can trust no one. Even family can turn their backs on you in a time of need.

I'm not strong. I'm human. I could never abandon my children. It's hard, but I push through day after day, doing it all on my own.